Thursday, January 31, 2008

she is the root of all my insecurities

Its not like I’ve lost all hope in trying, although for the time being, it seems so.
Every now and then I spend two days of doing absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t call it procrastination, nor would I call it “me time” because that phrase is a expression that needs to die immediately. No, it is more like a state of solitude and meditation that I feel I desperately deserve. Perhaps not meditation, but just a state of lying on the floor because my body demands it; because for that 5 minutes, the floor is my best friend-and I adore that feeling for it lacks the burdensome weight of everyday worry and constant exhaustion.
As I lie I think about everything, but nothing I every think about ever really bothers me. It sort of floats in my mind for a few brief seconds and then sinks to the bottom.
Certain subjects roll across my mind like dice repeatedly bouncing back in forth looking for the right combination.
Problems I could never find the answers to, relationships I could never resolve.
The same faces, same moments on repeat, I keep having to watch the same tape over and over again. But each time the ending changes. And each time I have to remind myself that the ending never really happened and that I never got the chance to say what I needed.
I always tell myself to expect nothing.
But I wish I had expected everything so that the shock would rip through me as it did. Then I open my eyes and reality pulls me back to the surface, where I cant escape.
Where I cant really breathe.
Im just pretending to live. Pretending to love. Pretending to care.
These illusions my bedroom floor provides.
Memories that should be forgotten, ideas that I should have lost.
I leave them on the floor, though i’m dying to pick them back up.
Dying to regain what I once had from the world.
My memories are like the invisible enemies I can never defeat.
Oh these burdens my memories hold and oh what control I have lost…




i wrote that yesterday, but haven't posted it until now. recently, i've just been living in the past. the problem is that i like it too much, i crave those memories, still.
even worse, today i heard some things and saw some pictures that truly made me upset. i won't talk about it any further...its just difficult to pretend that your okay with being ignored. its difficult trying to forget someone that had such huge impact on your life and they no longer want you to be a part of theirs.....


i had to resort to taking pictures of myself for a creative outlet...or just to be concieted. i dont know...a good looking and slighly pimpnastyhoebag picture of yourself will always make you feel a little more loved by the world.
i also want to do something with this picture...i havent figured it out yet, give me a day or so.

on a brighter note. DIVERSITY DAY FOOD FEST...ohmysweetgod. it is my favorite holiday of the year...where my highschool gets every student to bring a food from a different country. needless to say, i had food baby triplets afterwards. here is the tiramisu cake (dorie greenspan recipe) i made. amanda once said that shed come to my bakery everyday if ever opened one up...i may take her up on it.

p.s. the title of this entry was from a myspace entry from a friend. he knows who he is and how much he means to me. i keep thinking of what he once wrote about someone and how his words encaptured everything ive been feeling for these past few days. he is truly the only person i have met in this world who isn't afraid of being honest.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

non, je ne regrette rien

im giving myself 10 precious minutes to write this blog. its 1:49 am and i have no desire to sleep. however, tapps is tomorrow so i figure its in my best interest to get at least 3 hours of sleep. ahh To Sleep....darling, ive read far too much keats for one night.

this weekend has been spent studying mostly. i recently went to barnes and noble and bought a carla bruni cd, though i had no idea that this was the supermodel rumored to be dating the french president. i've told about 5 people how beautiful her first album Quelqu'un m'a dit (somebody told me) is. they must all think im ridiculous. of course who doesn't?

This afternoon, I was at wholefoods buying my lunch (salad with egg and tuna salad on the side, i know how to pick 'em) and i slipped and fell at the cash register. The salad and all my self respect flew up in the air and landed all around me. I was the shamed idiot. but i got a free purple monster cupcake out of it. i figure it was gods way of telling me to shape up, so i decided to for go the egg/tuna when i went back to get my new and health-friendly salad.

i've also spent a great deal of my weekend toying with the thought of romantic realism...can such a philosophical concept exist? Ayn Rand said on the subject, "I am a Romantic in the sense that I present men as they ought to be. I am Realistic in the sense that I place them here and now and on this earth." i cant help but identify with this quote greater than any other philosophy. not including transcendentalism, which is an american ideal. i think my problem is that i am too much of a realist to truly take my imagination seriously. perhaps this is why i frown upon people who strive for goals they have no chance of reaching; they lack the specific talents that such achievements demand. however, i am a romantic because i still believe in imagination and passion of the mind and knowledge. it seems i have yet to find a hole i would be willing to dive into.



its funny what you find in drawers. pens, old batteries, playing cards, religion etc.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

hide and seek is for pretenders

i cannot make you love me.
yet i cannot pretend not to notice.
your cold gesures like wax museum personas.
i could never be as great as you.
i have let you get under my skin, into my heart
sending tears out the spout
of my teapot eyes........
its like amanda said,
sometimes people just dont like you,
even if you bake them cookies.
too bad i already did.
you wouldn't like them anyway.
so i gave them to someone who loves me back.
thanks mom,
you're welcome.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

notes on existence

Heath Ledger died yesterday.
Though it is a strange and terrible accident, i must admit that it makes me feel slightly less depressed. I think I feel this way becuase his death forces me to think about the future he has sadly lost and the future I was once willing to let go.
For some reason, my mind immediatly turns to his attention in the media's eye. Now the world must come to terms with the idea that we will never see a picture of Ledger and his child again. Or be able to listen to an interview or watch A Knights Tale without inherently thinking that he is dead...he is gone.
And know I think about myself.
Will the pictures and pages abruptly end for me?
or will they die out slowly?
There was a time were I very much wanted to die. But after envisioning a future without my existence, I would like nothing more than to live.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

i am legend

holy cow, i know its been more than a semester since i've last blogged, but i have decided to start back up again.

So far, my christmas break has been wonderful and extremely relaxing. for example, even though i start schol tommorow, im watching "the ledgend of zorro" on TNT. worth it.

last night i went and saw Atonement, which was the best movie i've seen in a while. I'm longing to read the book; apparently John Updike was caught saying that it was one of his favorites. i've honestly never read a John Updike book, but the Witches of Eastwich is always on HBO and i've seen enough parts of it to be reminded of jack nicholson everytime i eat a cherry.

Right now, I'm reading Sophie's World. My english teacher gave it to me and i'm finding it rather interesting. Its a book on philosophy seperated into two parts: the first part being about sophies normal life and the second being the history of philosophy.
Right now, i'm trying to stay true to my new year's resolutions. Which are

  1. Read a book a week
  2. Be able to speak spanish without feeling embarassed or nervous
  3. Get healthy

I know that last one is on everyone's list, but i mights as well put it on, too.

Here is my Holiday Round-Up...yeeeehawwwho.


Christmas dance 2k7, go big or go home.

Ahh feliz navidad! We had christmas at my house with my whole family.


New Years with my babies. We played cranium forever and then drank apple cider.

I also did some self portrait shots because im ridiculous. i really feel stupid when i do them, but i mean....sometimes im the only person in my house. Here is one where im pretending to be jhazzzay....but not. my dad thinks im absolutely crazy, but i find that understandable.