she is the root of all my insecurities

Its not like I’ve lost all hope in trying, although for the time being, it seems so.
Every now and then I spend two days of doing absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t call it procrastination, nor would I call it “me time” because that phrase is a expression that needs to die immediately. No, it is more like a state of solitude and meditation that I feel I desperately deserve. Perhaps not meditation, but just a state of lying on the floor because my body demands it; because for that 5 minutes, the floor is my best friend-and I adore that feeling for it lacks the burdensome weight of everyday worry and constant exhaustion.
As I lie I think about everything, but nothing I every think about ever really bothers me. It sort of floats in my mind for a few brief seconds and then sinks to the bottom.
Certain subjects roll across my mind like dice repeatedly bouncing back in forth looking for the right combination.
Problems I could never find the answers to, relationships I could never resolve.
The same faces, same moments on repeat, I keep having to watch the same tape over and over again. But each time the ending changes. And each time I have to remind myself that the ending never really happened and that I never got the chance to say what I needed.
I always tell myself to expect nothing.
But I wish I had expected everything so that the shock would rip through me as it did. Then I open my eyes and reality pulls me back to the surface, where I cant escape.
Where I cant really breathe.
Im just pretending to live. Pretending to love. Pretending to care.
These illusions my bedroom floor provides.
Memories that should be forgotten, ideas that I should have lost.
I leave them on the floor, though i’m dying to pick them back up.
Dying to regain what I once had from the world.
My memories are like the invisible enemies I can never defeat.
Oh these burdens my memories hold and oh what control I have lost…

i wrote that yesterday, but haven't posted it until now. recently, i've just been living in the past. the problem is that i like it too much, i crave those memories, still.
even worse, today i heard some things and saw some pictures that truly made me upset. i won't talk about it any further...its just difficult to pretend that your okay with being ignored. its difficult trying to forget someone that had such huge impact on your life and they no longer want you to be a part of theirs.....

i had to resort to taking pictures of myself for a creative outlet...or just to be concieted. i dont know...a good looking and slighly pimpnastyhoebag picture of yourself will always make you feel a little more loved by the world.
i also want to do something with this picture...i havent figured it out yet, give me a day or so.

on a brighter note. DIVERSITY DAY FOOD FEST...ohmysweetgod. it is my favorite holiday of the year...where my highschool gets every student to bring a food from a different country. needless to say, i had food baby triplets afterwards. here is the tiramisu cake (dorie greenspan recipe) i made. amanda once said that shed come to my bakery everyday if ever opened one up...i may take her up on it.

p.s. the title of this entry was from a myspace entry from a friend. he knows who he is and how much he means to me. i keep thinking of what he once wrote about someone and how his words encaptured everything ive been feeling for these past few days. he is truly the only person i have met in this world who isn't afraid of being honest.