This Way to Freedom a.k.a. the first time i went clubbin'

there comes a point in every persons life, especially if you're eighteen, where you are forced with a decision: to waste your summer nights sitting at home watching shitty foreign flicks and noshing on 3 day old pizza...or to hit the clubs. 

Last night, i went on such an excursion and needless to say it was entirely worth it and not a moment was spent in regret. 

Here is my account of my very first night at my very first club and the knowledge i gained during that extraordinary evening. 

Rule #1: When it comes to picking a club, the sketch value shouldn't be much of an issue...but you might as well bring an male escort anyway. 

The gals and i went to a club in midtown called Rich's (sketch value (SV) about a 6) which is honestly a bit of a cliche, because almost everyone whos anyone who just turned eighteen goes there. Everyone there looked pretty young and the attire was a bit fancier than i would have expected. 

Which brings me to rule#2: don't be afraid to dress like a slut. Nobody will notice because every girl there dresses like that, too. i mean, there are girls in cages with nothing on but underwear. to you, your sexxXay mini skirt is so hawt you think it'll make all the boys wanna-make-love-in-the-club...to other girls, you may be wearing the same outfit they wore to church last easter. oh, and it may help you get in faster AND get in with a male escort even though they usually have to wait in line. So, upon entering Rich's and dancing for a few moments and wondering why nobody was asking me to dance, i found out about rule #3: Its better to take about 10-20 minutes of gal pal dance break time than to start grinding immediately because then you may A. get stuck with them the whole night or B. have your whole night be spent with multiple members of the opposite sex you've never met in your life instead of being able to get your groove on with your ladiez. Which leads me to the part of this story/lesson where i talk about dance partners. 

First up was Mr. Androgyny (SV about a 3...he was about 60% emo. so i mean, he'd sooner cut himself than cut me. granted, i'm only calling him this because of his hair, which was blond, but he was fo' sho rocking the long side bang. Anyway things were going just fine and dandy, until his friend decided to join in. 

on to, rule #4 Man Sandwiches should be avoided AT ALL TIMES.  mainly because they are awkward and i can't handle them. remember that although you may already look like a slut, you don't actually have to act like one. however, if you think you can hand it, go ahead. maybe you could have given me a few tips when i got stuck in such a position. and this is where i wished i would have known about rule #5 ahead of time. 

Rule #5: Have a code. make up something with your friends so that they know when to pull you out. for example: Girl A winks profusely at Girl B. Girl B then says something like, " I'm too scared to go to the bathroom alone. Come with me!" and then pulls Girl A along to the bathroom where they can both start laughing their heads off about whatever just happened.  I'm dead serious.  i wish we had created some sort of signal before we even entered the club because one of my friends got her neck licked...(which is a SV of about 10) Unless you very very obviously show sexual interest in the person you're dancing with, it is NEVER okay for them to place their saliva on any part of your body. which leads me to rule #6 Never be forced to dance with someone you really don't want to dance with. I, for example, don't like to dance with anyone who may have a drink in their hands. it may lead to spillage and/or trying to force-drink what ever beverage they may have in their hands down your throat. You never know if they may have slipped you a rufi. My friends and i also noticed that every guy also who had a beer and was dancing at the same time was completely ridiculous, rude, and had a SV of about 8-9. 

This rule also includes woman-on-woman action you'd rather not engage in. I'm starting to think that guys are starting to take that Kate Perry song too literally, or perhaps nobody's ever asked them to kiss a guy and there for they have no idea what it feels like to be pressured to doing anything sexual with a member of the same sex. 

This rule may also include anyone who looks too old or too young for you. For example, i chose not to dance with the 40ish looking man and my friend decided not to dance with the young lad who bore a striking resemblance to Mogley, from the jungle book. 

Of course, if you really do want to dance with someone, follow rule #7: make eye contact. thats how i got my chance to dance with Mr. Bollywood Superstar. (SV about a 5ish. points off because he was over 21 and you should always be slightly wary of older gentlemen. unless you're me and fancy older, indian men because you like to pretend you're bengali) It almost always works and lets them know you're interested. 

Last, but not least, rule #8: have as much fun as humanly possible. Clubs don't run 24/7, they've got to close at one point. so spend it all worth while. In the end, everybody goes home and does their own thing , whether its alone, with friends, or with whoever they may have randomly picked up on the dance floor. Once again, its your decision: to say goodnight to the place you lost your clubbing virginity to, or to say good morning to the early hours of the next day. Fortunately for me, i was able to do both.